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Lara Croft Tomb Raider: The Cradle Of Life (2003)
Posted by Digger, Sep 12, 2003
Tomb Raider 2: the sequel that begs the question “wait what happened in the first one again?” Fittingly, the most memorable thing about Lara Croft Tomb Raider: The Cradle Of Life is how cumbersome its eight-word title is. Thirty minutes in, I’d forgotten how the whole thing started, an hour in, for the life of me I couldn’t remember what the hell the “Cradle of Life” was and right around the time the end credits started to roll I had the sinking feeling that I’d have to sit through this turgid mess a second time just to do a sufficient job summarizing it. For a film that seems to last an eternity why is it I can’t pick out a single aspect of the 100-million-dollar film beyond star Angelina Jolie’s chest?
Genre: Action, Adventure |
Cast: Angelina Jolie, Gerard Butler, Chris Barrie, Djimon Hounsou, Ciaran Hinds |
Director(s): Jan De Bont |
Producer(s): Lawrence Gordon, Lloyd Levin |
Rated: PG-13 for action violence and some sexuality |
Length: 130 minutes | Released: Jul 25, 2003 |
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Stars: 2.5 out of 5
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And what of those particular appendages? Sadly director Jan De Bont is more interested in the guns in Ms. Croft’s hands than the ones sitting in front of her. While the filmmaker continues in the shallow steps of the first film’s director Simon West in framing the pouty brunette from the bust up, the character is as sexy as a sanitary napkin. If De Bont hadn’t been the D.P. on Basic Instinct I’d swear the man had been born without a penis.
For those who forget Tomb Raider is the game where a large-breasted English woman in really short shorts hangs from ledges, pushes large boulders, and kills deadly, endangered species with a pair of pistols that hang from her trapezoidal hips. Its enormous success can be attributed to the fact that 14-year-old boys depend on ones and zeros in hot pants to masturbate to until they can legally buy Playboy. Adapting this to the big screen was doomed to fail as most jerk-off fantasies often do.
Sensing this, the filmmakers of both Cradle Of Life and its predecessor have abandoned sex in all but the most superficial of terms. Sure Jolie parades around in a tight, nipple-indent revealing wetsuit after making her grand entrance in a slinky black bikini. But the film hasn’t the foggiest what to do with her beyond giving her a fun wardrobe. Tomb Raider effectively turns one of the most sensual actresses in film into a mannequin.
What the film has in spades however are big, pointless action scenes set in extravagant foreign locales that would shame a Bond film. In one scene Jolie and her strapping male guide/possible love interest–played by Dracula 2000's Gerard Butler–para-glide (I think that’s what it’s called) off the side of a skyscraper in Hong Kong. Earlier in the film we see Croft traverse the Great Wall of China on a motorcycle. That I can recall either of these incidents would seem to contradict the statement I made earlier, so maybe it was just how these scenes connect to form a plot that I’m sketchy on.
Okay so the inappropriately labeled Tomb Raider (2 films, 0 for 2 in the tombs department; no word yet on what qualifies as “raiding”) Lara Croft must find an ancient box, let’s be nutty and just call it an ark, before an evil European tyrant does. If said box falls into the wrong hands, much unseen badness will befall the Earth probably on par with having your face melted off and being struck down by bolts of lightning. Our hero joins forces with a former lover and is armed with a sacred medallion that will point them towards the Ark of the Covenant... er Pandora’s Box. Who says nothing original comes out of Hollywood?
The addition of De Bont to the shaky franchise is a mixed blessing. Gifted with an eye for visual clarity (in addition to directing Speed he also photographed Die Hard), De Bont displays an almost old-fashion knack when it comes to filming action, letting each sequence breathe with the scenes and exist unto itself. Unfortunately, De Bont is also a bit of a hack for hire (he hasn’t directed a decent film in almost 10 years) and what the film could have used was some imagination in place of a staid hand.
Of course all talk of Tomb Raider should begin and end with the film’s star, Angelina Jolie. It’s hard to imagine a better fit of actress and role as not only is Jolie a dead ringer for the video game character but she’s an imposing physical presence (all those stories about her carrying around Billy Bob’s vials of blood only help her credibility here) and can deliver the film’s PG-13 innuendos in a credible British accent. But just because no one else in Hollywood could fill her shoes doesn’t quite justify a character this dull being brought to life... let alone twice in two years. A tomb raider implies someone who discovers ancient artifacts to accumulate personal wealth. Lara Croft is nothing more than a two-dimensional, female, Indiana Jones knock off (oh dear, I went and stated the obvious), swooping in to unearth buried treasure only to leave it where she found it. The world’s greatest explorer travels to the far reaches of the Earth to go window shopping? What a boring conceit.
Boring is a word that crops up almost as often as “forgettable” when planning this review. On the half a dozen occasions I checked my watch during The Cradle Of Life, I often found myself wondering how the cast and crew motivated themselves every morning for this soulless endeavor. A paycheck is nothing to sniff at, but how does someone toil for hours every day for months out of the year on a film that nobody wants to see. Maybe the hope was to make a film less horrible than the last one (they failed). Maybe sex and violence aimed at little leaguers plays well overseas (doubtful). Or maybe, just maybe, they work their fingers to the bone so someday we’ll get to see a Tomb Raider film where someone actually raids a tomb. Nah, it’s probably just the paycheck.
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